- When a person is anxious about "performing well", what should their partner look for and what should they do to help?
What to look for:
Firstly, don't take some of these things in isolation. Often there are simple explanations for behaviour. Instead look for "clusters" to give a better idea and the key thing is a change from the previous "norm" for the man.
Clues to look for when a man is anxious about "performing well":
- Avoidance of sex. Many men avoid sex if they fear they won't be able to perform or perform well enough, as they see it.
- He becomes more irritable or moody than before.
- Some men adopt what I believe is "compensatory behaviour" designed to reassure themselves they're still "OK" as a man. It may include any or all of the following, as examples:
- Working or appearing to work harder or longer at their job. Men who feel vulnerable and anxious in one area of their life often focus on other areas where they feel successful and better about themselves. They do this as both a distraction from painful feelings and because doing something they know they're better at, helps soothe their egos.
- Any alteration in appearance, for better, worse or just plain different is a good clue. e.g. a sudden change of clothing style / new haircut / taking up gym membership with new interest in fitness if he was previously a couch potato, for example.
- Spending more time in their shed or equivalent (hobby). When a man feels upset or anxious, they don't find it as easy to talk about their feelings as a woman does. Instead they spend time thinking and trying to come up with a solution.
Because men don't find it easy to talk about emotional feelings or always see the connection between good communication and quality of sex, the solutions they come up with often exclude verbal communication with their partners.
After a man has spent time thinking about what to do as his solution he may come up with any or all of the following:
- Avoiding the problem and hoping it will change by itself in time.
- Pharmaceutical interventions e.g. Viagra or a similar one (It is very important for a man to see his doctor if he wants to try Viagra, because it can be dangerous to take it if he has certain medical conditions or is taking some medications).
- Trying to "test out" if he can still "perform" with someone other than his partner. This is the big "oh my God" for a woman who might not know what the hell is going on. What is important to understand, is that many men can often compartmentalise the physical act of sex from any emotional context and they don't view the new woman in an emotional way, at least not to begin with… and this is the danger of affairs, which may start off with just sex.
When they are caught out, men are often genuinely sad and surprised to see how deeply the partner was hurt. Most don't set out to hurt their partners, but rather to "solve" what they see as their own problem. I'm not saying this applies to every man who sees another woman, but it is common when men have sexual problems.
Men can be very single-minded and don't find it easy to "put themselves in the other's position". Most of what they think about is in their own minds. They can rotate spatial images in IQ tests fantastically – but they find it hard to see how their actions affect another person outside of themselves.
