Ariana answers questions on "Confidence in Sex"

What are the biggest misconceptions which people have about how they need to think, act, or behave in order to be better in bed?

Men:

Frequently place too much emphasis on "performance" and "doing", equating good sex with the size of their cock and their thrusting ability or lack of it.

Many of these men are influenced by watching porn videos. I'm not against porn as such – I've watched and enjoyed many a porn film, but the video makers in my opinion need to remember that for some men, this might be all the learning about sex they ever get. Here's an example: I've watched some porn films where the man performs anal on the woman, then immediately enters her vagina, putting her at risk of bacterial infection of the vagina or bladder. If a man sees a woman smiling when this is being done, then the message he's likely to get, is that it's ok to do this sort of thing and the woman is even smiling about it.

Other times on porn films I've seen men not bother to lubricate a woman well enough, before attempting to insert huge dildos or penetrate them.

In my holistic sex coaching sessions, I'm encountering men who say they're really pleased I offer an alternative sex coaching service because they've never had a chance to learn like this before. It's as if they're just somehow expected to know it and they realise they don't. When they're with their friends, yes, there's the big bravado thing and they play down any insecurities they have. However when they're with me, they open up a lot and I see the real side, a more vulnerable one but one very keen to learn and I see the difference which knowledge and experience gained makes to them.

Women:

They can place too much emphasis on how they look. Many feel that if only they changed themselves in some way, they would be better lovers or attract more men. I see them constantly living in tomorrow and wishing their lives away, until a time when they're thinner or prettier.

Instead they should learn to love themselves as they are, change what they can change and love the bits they can't change, and at the same time develop the complete person – body, soul and spirit.

In focussing on becoming a whole person, a woman will learn to set her own boundaries. Boundaries are important because, although it sounds a contradiction, they will help her gain more freedom to relax into sex and enjoy it. Some women need to learn to say "no" and have their "no" respected, before they can learn to say "yes" to pleasure. When she learns to say "no, I don’t like that, or this", she is then free to say "yes, more of that please!".