Ariana answers questions on "Confidence in Sex"

What would you say are the top 10 changes in behaviour that a man or woman could adopt, in order to be a more satisfying lover?

1. Set aside time for quality sex. Make a definite date in the diary for it, in the same way as you would do for anything else important. This doesn't mean you can't enjoy spontaneous sex on other occasions, or that it has to be serious, but it does mean there's a chance to have foreplay. This is helpful because of the different arousal times in men and women. Most women take at least 20 minutes to reach the orgasm stage, whereas for men it can be as little as a few minutes.
2. Increase knowledge on sexual subjects, either by reading or having some sexual tuition. Learn about tantra.
3. Learn how to give a sensuous, relaxing or stimulating body massage.
4. Set aside some time to explore, enjoy and appreciate your own body.

   Find out what you enjoy by masturbating, using your fingers or a vibrator to stimulate yourself. Some people like the idea of using a sex toy, while others don't. Personally I find them great fun. Use a water-based lubricant if you need extra lubrication on your fingers and for use with the sex toy.

   It's important to get to know your body, not only for pleasurable discoveries but also so you know what's normal for you. If you know what's normal, you're more likely to discover if anything changes. In particular, women and men should check their breasts for any changes from normal, any new lumps for example, and men should check their testicles. A good time for men to do this is after a bath, when they hang down lower due to the heat.

5. Alter your environment to enhance your sex-life, but also to ensure you can sleep in the place.
6. Improve communication skills surrounding talking, listening and arguing. Key skills are listening effectively, arguing constructively, the value of "time out" during heated discussions, and the differences in how men and women communicate. Read up on the subject or attend a workshop.
7. Have fun and a spirit of adventure in other areas of your life. Bring this sense of fun into the bedroom and try new things now and again e.g. sex games.
8. Make sure you each have some time for yourself. This helps give people something to talk about. It's good for men to have some time to bond with other men in non-sexual ways. One of the best ways is in sport, where there is some non-sexual but physical contact. It's good for women to have a network of female friends, so that she doesn't rely solely on her partner to meet her emotional needs.
9. Find three things daily that you can compliment or comment favourably about your partner and do so.
10. Take up a new hobby together, something that you can both share time pursuing and which you enjoy or find rewarding in some way.