It really depends on whether the person is considering changing alone, without their partner's knowledge, or with their partner's knowledge and support but still alone, or together with their partner.
- Examples of why change can seem scary.
Before considering how, let's consider why change can seem scary.
Any change can alter the dynamics of a relationship. Some people deal with change better than others.
Example 1: Perceived threat to the status quo
This sometimes happens in a partnership, where either or both people have low self-esteem but their relationship is stable. One of them decides to change, they want to improve themselves – maybe study or perhaps improve their appearance for example. The other person could start to feel scared by the change, possibly worrying that they will be "left behind" or that someone else might find the other person more attractive. The same change can be viewed as negative by one person and positive by another.
Example 2: Change in Working Arrangements
Many people decide on a change of work for positive reasons e.g. improved finances or self-development, but might not appreciate the effect on their relationship. People opt to work away during the week and come together at weekends, for example. It can work for some, but for others it's a disaster. Geographical distance can put a strain on some couples.
Example 3: Change in Perceived "Status"
It's not uncommon today for couples to swap roles, one partner stays at home, the other goes out to work. If one role is perceived by either or both partners as having less status than the other, this can affect self-esteem unless measures are taken to ensure the arrangement works for both.
Example 4: Sudden, Enthusiastic Changes in Sexual Behaviour
When a person acquires new sexual skills from outside of their relationship, they sometimes make the mistake of suddenly and with great enthusiasm, introducing changes learnt into the relationship. Sudden and new changes can lead to the big inquisition of "where did you learn that", "you've never done that with me before" and so on. Great care must be taken when introducing anything new learnt outside the relationship, even if they learn it from a book. The timing must be right and the way it's introduced must be spot on, otherwise the whole relationship could end with accusations surrounding where they acquired the new information – unless, of course, both people learnt about it together.
Example 5: Change in Social Circle
When one member of a couple takes up a new hobby and starts socialising in a different group to that of their partner, it can sometimes lead to the other feeling excluded.
Example 6: Changes perceived to be outside of someone's control
People approaching mid-life experience tremendous changes to both their bodies, emotions and the way they see life. It’s a common time for introspection and re-evaluating life.
In the period leading up to menopause for example, women can experience irregular periods and hormonal fluctuations. She might also experience feelings of lowered self-worth if her self-worth has been mainly based around appearance. Unless a couple arm themselves with accurate information about what's happening at this time – and I mean both men and women – and are mutually supportive, the relationship could end up in trouble. During menopause (when oestrogen supplies diminish), a woman might experience vaginal dryness and find intercourse painful for the first time. If a couple haven't got used to talking to one another about intimate subjects, she could just avoid sex and the man would be none the wiser as to the reason. It's easy for a man to feel rejected if he doesn't understand why sex is being avoided.
Similarly, a man may experience less powerful erections / failure to get an erection / failure to maintain an erection, perhaps for the first time. He may feel this deeply as a threat to his manhood and try to find ways to "solve" this problem, perhaps by seeking affirmation / approval / sex elsewhere, in an attempt to sooth his ego and find out why he's experiencing these things.
Men can find it very difficult to talk to their own partner about this topic. Firstly they may not be used to talking about feelings, and secondly they are often confused about what's happening themselves. A man may avoid having sex with his partner because he doesn't want to feel he can't "perform". Without understanding on both sides, it is easy for this to lead to both people seeking solace outside the relationship or, sadly, to the relationship ending for lack of knowledge, understanding and effective communication.
How a couple deal with change at this point in their life, is very important and can have a significant bearing on what will happen to the future of their relationship.
- Steps to minimise the risk of scaring your partner when changing:
- Decide on your reason for change and your goal / outcome both for yourself and your relationship.
- Ideally, where possible, changing together is best – you can both support and help motivate each other.
- Assess your readiness to change. There is some evidence to show that if a person isn't ready to change, they will not be as motivated to keep up with new behaviour.
- Other life stressors - consider what else is going on both in your life and the life of your partner at this time and then decide the best time to change. If there are many other things changing at the same time, it might be best to wait until one or some of those are dealt with first, so you need to prioritise your focus.
- Think about the speed and pace of change: Fast change can be scary and some people react better if change is introduced slowly or gradually. Others prefer to be more radical. It's really down to the individual couple. On a related note, once change is underway, there can be differences in pace. If one person "speeds ahead" of the other, it can affect the other person's confidence. In this case, patience is required on both sides otherwise it can lead to frustration.
- Build rewards into any programme for change. Have little goals leading to the bigger goal and reward yourself at each stage of the journey.
- Periodically review the effect of the change on the relationship and adjust the plan if necessary, without viewing the need for adjustment as a sign of failure.
- Arm yourself with as much information as possible about changes that happen at mid-life, in both men and women. There is much that can be done to help both the physical and emotional transition and preserve the relationship.
- Don't view change as a negative. Everything changes in life. Spring wouldn't be spring without winter. Joy isn't fully experienced without having had some sadness. People can pass through difficult times and come out stronger.
