Ariana answers questions on "Confidence in Sex"

Why, in your opinion, do men & women lack confidence in the bedroom and what can they do about it?

Poor body image.

This can affect sexual confidence in both men and women and although increasing numbers of men are affected, I believe the tremendous pressure on women today to look perfect is still greater than the pressure on men, particularly as they get older. As long as ageism goes unaddressed in society, this situation is unlikely to change. The people who benefit the most are the companies who sell beauty and anti-ageing products, but few people question the economic agenda.

A negative body image can directly impact upon sex. As you discovered in question 2, it can result in women not wanting to undress without the lights off. Men are sexually very visually stimulated, so part of his arousal is already reduced if he can't see anything! Her libido and arousal is also likely to be adversely affected, if she feels negative about her body.

This is one example of how changing one area can directly affect another and thereby benefit both partners. One way to do this is to change what you can change – (e.g. eat more beneficial foods, take regular exercise, adopt a positive mental attitude towards sex) and learn to love and appreciate the things you can't change.

It is possible to grow in appreciation of the unique beauty of your whole being, body, soul and spirit and improve the quality of your sexual experience, whatever your present view of yourself in terms of your sex-life (assuming you’re of legal age).

Other Options

In certain cases, where there is more severe psychological distress over some physical aspect, plastic surgery could be considered, but it's vital that partners talk this over both between themselves and with their G.P. Surgery isn't a decision to be taken lightly, and the matter needs to be planned with care. Many people rush into it and later regret the decision, or they don't do enough research to find a good surgeon.

Certain people considering surgery might also have undiagnosed "body dysmorphic disorder" where they perceive themselves as ugly when they're obviously not to others and this is another reason why it's essential to discuss any changes you may wish to make with your G.P. first.

Mental Aspects

Some mental strategies can be effective at addressing negative body image. Positive self-talk, and visualisation exercises can be incorporated into daily life to help reinforce behavioural changes such as diet, exercise and together these help to promote a positive attitude towards sex.

Lack of sexual knowledge.

The solution here is to continue to learn and build on whatever knowledge you have. This is what I try to do myself, and I learn something new every week! There are many books written on sexual techniques, and it's possible to pick up tips this way. I'm writing a book myself, which I hope will add to the body of knowledge.

Lack of self-awareness.

It's good for people to experiment with touching themselves (masturbating) so that they learn what gives them pleasure. They can then communicate what they like, or don't like, to their partner.

Communication difficulties.

Sometimes there are unspoken sexual needs and desires. It's useful to spend time outside the bedroom where you discuss your hopes and dreams with each other, but care is needed when discussing fantasies so as not to reveal them in a way that might cause the other person to feel inadequate. If done sensitively, it can help to open previously locked communication channels and lead to improved confidence inside the bedroom (or any other place you decide to make love). Some fantasies, however, are best kept as fantasies, but this is for each individual member of a couple to decide for themselves.

This is a huge topic and is outside the scope of these questions, but there are big differences in the way men and women communicate and an understanding of this can be very helpful to both partners improving their sexual confidence.