Ariana answers questions on "Confidence in Sex"

In your experience, what prevents most people from getting the most out of their sexual experiences?

The lack of a supportive, positive, affirming and empowering "rite of passage" into adulthood.

I feel the lack of an identifiably supportive, positive, affirming, empowering "rite of passage" into adulthood plays some part in why many people don't get the most out of their later sexual experiences.

Timing and Development of Attitudes Towards Sex

An important time period for the development of male and female feelings of self-worth, respect and appreciation of the opposite sex occurs during the teenage years. If there is no "inner person" affirming rite of passage which helps a young person acknowledge to themselves and others that they are passing from one phase of life to another and that it's a good, healthy natural thing that's happening to their bodies and emotions, there is a risk of the young person adopting whatever he or she views as adult behaviours, often influenced by peers or what they see at the time around them. These inferior substitutes can cloud a person's view of what it is to be a mature adult and prevent them developing a true feeling of self-worth. This in itself can go on to influence their sexual experience.

I believe there is a need in society for the development of a more positive "rite of passage ritual / ceremony", especially in the UK but I think it is more widespread. At the moment there are generally very blurred boundaries surrounding when a person enters adulthood, albeit with some cultural differences. For example, these are the things I notice with regard to males and females in the UK:

Males:

Dad / step-dad takes the 18 year-old down the pub "for a pint" as a sign he's now a man. The message this gives to the young man is: "You're a man because now you can drink alcohol". People wonder why there's a culture of binge-drinking developing! Females are also influenced by the message of being able to drink alcohol as a symbol of "being 18", and increasingly, people wishing to be like their older peers are drinking alcohol. I believe there is more going on here than simple experimentation. I feel there is a connection with how alcohol is perceived and marketed – i.e. a "sexy adult image". The 18^th birthday party is another modern day equivalent of a rite of passage, again, usually with lots of alcohol involved. This is not without significance.

Females:

Concentration on external appearance to express female passage into adulthood and as a mark of self-worth i.e. focus placed on body image, fashion, clothes and make-up. Sometimes these outward signals conflict with what is going on inside the person where they may not be emotionally at the same stage as their body suggests. This focus is commercially exploited in my opinion.

I'm not saying that it's wrong to wear nice clothes or make-up – more that there is a need to balance the focus on externals with a message that the development of the inner person is just as important, especially at this time. Unfortunately society doesn't often back this up. What's needed is for there to be more value placed on qualities that can't be seen. That's the problem of course, that you can't obviously see these inner qualities. If something is viewed as valueless because they can't see it, then no one will want to possess it. In terms of sexual messages, you get an image of a person who looks physically ready for sex but who may not be emotionally or mentally prepared for what it involves.

By focussing on externals, what you end up with is an illusion of self-worth without the power. This illusion can be carried on into adult sexual life and if no true feelings of self-worth are developed, it is a perfect setting for sexual and relationship problems.

Sex as a Rite of Passage

Sexual intercourse and losing virginity are often viewed by young people as a rite of passage in themselves. I don't believe the physical act of sex itself is any indicator of having crossed over into adulthood, especially if the person isn't ready for it emotionally.

Why Sex is Often Viewed as a Rite of Passage

Young people see, read and hear about sex all the time in everything from magazines, car adverts to pop music. I think there's a lot of pressure on them to "be like their peers" and people they admire. You can see this by taking a look at any agony aunt section in teen magazines, where they frequently get letters saying something along the lines of: "Most of the girls in my class are having sex… I feel the odd one out, what should I do?" To be fair, editors do often mention the option of not having to give in to peer pressure and that if her boyfriend isn't prepared to wait, then he's not worth having as a boyfriend. Whether this helps or not I'm not sure… but without a doubt there is peer pressure on young people. If a person engages in sex before they are emotionally ready, the stage is set for sex to become viewed as just a "physical coming together of two bodies".

Inadequate sex education can reinforce this emphasis on physical sex without emotional context – too much emphasis is often placed on the "mechanics", with out-of-date videos being used, self-conscious teaching, and not enough taught on sex within the context of a loving relationship or on developing feelings of self-worth first. It is no coincidence that the UK has a high rate of teenage pregnancy. (See the next section on sex education.)

Is it Time for the Development of a New "Rite of Passage" Event?

I think there is a need for society to develop a new "rite of passage" event possibly with a celebration that doesn't involve either sex or alcohol and which includes these elements:

• Acknowledging young people as valued members of society – "welcoming" them into adulthood.
• Peers should play a big part in the ceremony i.e. young people who've already been through it helping those about to go through it.
• Positive individual qualities highlighted in each person and encouraged to develop, especially feelings of self-worth.

For me this idea is still in an early phase and I don't pretend to have all the answers. I just feel it is worth mentioning as something to think about.

I feel it might help if there was a specific ritual involved. Rituals can serve a useful purpose at reinforcing events experienced in the psyche. How that would work in practice I'm not yet sure, but I think it's sad that the only message given to young people is: "You're a man / woman, now you can drink alcohol".